Saturday, 1 October 2011


What follows are a couple of letters that may or may not be read by their respective "recipient".
The reason I write them here and not in an e-mail or snail-mail is that ... I can't.
My mind and feelings for these people are much more complicated than the letters may indicate. I mostly write these to unburden my chest so to speak.


How and where to begin this letter to you?
Perhaps with a bit of background? Seems fair. The first couple of times I met you, you and your companions intimidated me, though not intentionally from your side. At the same time I may have come across as a bit aloof and/or evasive. That's how I used to avoid potential harm, both physical and mental.
I know now that it was part an act from your side, and part my own insecurities that caused those first meetings to be no more than amicable.
I have matured since then, and my curiosity for you have grown.
Do I think we would work as a couple? Actually ... no. I do however want you to play a greater role in my life, and a chance for me to play a greater role in yours. Because I do think we both have a lot we could learn from one another, if we both dared lower our defences. I am willing to take the first step.


You know what? I miss you. I miss the person I learned to love deeply and passionately.
When I look at what you've become, all I can see is an empty shell of what you used to be.
Sometimes I wish I could cry for what you, from my perspective, do to try to fill that void. Because from over here it doesn't look pretty.
I'm not going to stop being a friend, stop talking with you, but unless I see some positive change I don't know how much of a friend I can continue to be to you.
I know it's not easy for you all the time, and I've tried my darnedest to give you support ... but friendship is a two way street, and I can't honestly say you've done much for me lately. I don't think I have asked for much either, but even the little that I have asked for ... well, it was on your conditions, or not at all. Which kind of spoiled the whole caboodle for me.


I love you, and I despise you.
You have a close to perfect body to fall for, in my eyes. You're smart. You've got interests and hobbies that I share. You're selfish or at least egocentric.
I know and respect that you don't have any kind of feelings for me at all. That however makes it no less painful for me when you publicly jest about my feelings for you. I respect your relationships, and your monogamy. Can you respect my feelings for you, even if they're not mutual?
I'm not the strongest of persons in any way, but at times it seems you have even less spine than me. Perhaps that is why you want to be the centre of attention as much as possible? Why it's your ideas and plans that should get all the help and assistance right now, while everybody else should feel bad about not leaping quickly enough to your aid.


who else to write a letter to?
well, none today at least.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry that is all that I can say. I'm just so afraid to loose the last part of faith I've left.