so many ideas ...

I have so many ideas during a day that it's ... well, I don't even try to keep track of 'em.
There is however one big problem with them. They're gone too quickly.
It's most commonly because I don't get time to make a note of them.

There's also the problem of doing something of the few ideas that do stick around long enough for me to remember them after ten minutes. I'm not allowed to take the time to do anything about them while at work, and when I'm at home, there's other distractions.

The very very very few ideas that do get the time and energy for start-up ... usually gets scrapped without anybody else getting to know about them since they're not up to my expected quality. Because, you know, they should be as close to perfect from start and throughout the process as humanly possible.

A failure that nobody have seen and can not find ... is not a failure.
And I may not in any way, for any reason, fail.
At least, that's what grade-school taught me.

Pointless

ok.

You're here for a reason. It may not be a very good reason, but there is one.
If you're here because you wanted to learn something about me ... well, you will.
If you're here for any other reason ... you'll learn something about me anyway.

My life, the way I see it, is Pointless.
Also, I suck.

Why do I say this?
Simply because, I know everything there is to know about self-improvement, and while I do want to be a better person with a better life and a better self-image ... I don't even TRY to do jack schitt about it.
Which has to be the most pointless and pathetic thing you've read today.
Hey, I can't even TRY to take my own life.

So, you're just going to the simple thing, the easy thing, and surf on to another website and think nothing more of that whacked out nut-job who kept on rambling about how worthless he was. Because, you know, taking a few seconds to write a few words of encouragement is beyond your level of care. I mean, it won't gratify yourself, so you won't do it. But who am I kidding, you didn't even reach this paragraph.

Do I seem cynical?
You bet.
Because that's what life in general have taught me is the only way to survive and stay relatively sane.
I've tried to reach out and break the slow spiral down into despondency and misery. Guess what usually happens.
Yea, I get kicked down.

After being kicked down enough times, you start to wonder if it's really worth trying to get back up.
You also learn to see at a long distance which fights you have a chance to win, and when you WILL lose no matter what, and you start to avoid them both. So you only fight the fights you know you should win.

Me, I've gone one step further.
I don't fight.
I give in, without a fight.
It makes the collateral damage I leave behind afterwards so much more ... thoughtful. What's the most "fun" is saying "I could have told you so, but you never bothered to ask. So, it's all your mess."

Sure, I don't have that many friends.
Acquaintances, co-gamers, co-workers and such, sure, but not that many friends.
A friend is somebody I can call any time at day or night about any subject, and be able to speak my mind (or heart as the case might be), and they'd be willing and able to listen.
Those that are closest to being such friends are willing, but they're not able. The main reason they're not able is because they can't listen, can't shut up long enough to just sit there and listen.

There's also another contributing factor to this my current state of mind.
Serotonin.
Because of lack of stability and structure in my life I do not eat my serotonin elevating medication the way I'm supposed to. I do not fucking care, because who the fuck cares if I live or die beside my immediate family?
At most three people, and then mainly because somebody they could depend on for support is gone.

So yea, for my own sake, my existence is pointless.

in waiting

It's still hours left until I'm going to meet with a bunch of strangers.
I'm feeling apprehensive, but also oddly calm.

I don't know what will happen during the get-together.
If I'll be welcomed or shunned.
If I'll find a comfortable spot to sleep, or have to leave early.

Those things, and more, doesn't matter.
I will be there, and if they find me lacking in anyway, be it clothing, experience or appearance, then I say it is their loss. I know my worth, and I can guess my potential. If they ... well never mind.

The one thing that does bother me right now, is my meds.
I'm sure they (or rather, one of 'em) will mess things up for me if all else goes peachy.

taken by surprice

I got taken by weather-surprise a couple of minutes ago.

I usually have a sense of what the weather will be like for the day. If there's open, outdoors air directly available.
If there's a no risk for downfall, a low risk or high risk or confirmed risk, and if it'll be light, heavy or intermittent.

That weather-sense was pointing at "no to minimal" when we had a downpour.
Sense have perked up to "low risk of light downfall, which is more accurate since it's now a light rain outside.

I don't think I've been this surprised by weather since I found out mom had cancer. (Long story for another time.)

I feel ... blinded.
A sense that I've been able to depend on is apparently askew.

I need to get in a better headspace.

Single since a week

So.
I'm single since a week back.

Not something I'm proud of, nor feel ashamed of.
The way the relationship ended could have been better, and the reasons likewise.
It was for the best for us both.
Better some pain now than worse pain later.
And yes, it would have ended sooner or later, and the longer the relationship had lasted, the worse would it have been when it ended.
So, I called an end to it after one and a half year, which was about six to nine months too late, imo.

So, what have I done this last week?
Trying to find stability and balance. To find something positive to focus on.
I tried with MineCraft, and it's great.
The posibileties are ... enormous. Your imagination is the only thing setting a limit to what you can make in that game and ... well ... I have well-planned ideas, but no energy to even begin to try achive them.

why ending a relationship

Soon I'll be a single man again.
Yes, I've had a girlfriend for some time, and it's been not a good time.

It's been nice too have somebody to turn to.
It's less nice too have a girlfriend that you can't turn to.
If the girlfriend can't even begin to understand what troubles you.

Cuius Bono?

"Cuius bono?" is Latin. Big surprise there I gather. It means "Whose good?" or "Benefiting who?"

That's the big question here. Who will benefit (the most) from this weblog? You, me, or will both suffer from keeping this up to date and being up to date what's written?
I am hard-pressed to see any good coming from me keeping this weblog, but I've been persuaded to keep one.

If you find me and/or my weblog being a waste of time don't come complaining to me, but to those responsible for me keeping one. Namely
Anna Troberg and Keiju.
I'll link to them later.